you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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