I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
