the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
