i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
