I think I am morally bankrupt
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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