This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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