So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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