I just pynch a tree in the face
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
