if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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