there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
