I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
