i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
