my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
