An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
