I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
