I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
