he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
