I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
