he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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