she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
3 2 1 whiskey
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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