you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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