Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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