im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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