I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
