I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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