The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
