My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
