I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
