a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize