all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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