She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
