I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
