Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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