She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
