She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
