i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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