I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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