So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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