somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
