I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
