Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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