The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
