I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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