so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
