When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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