just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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