Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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