i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
