Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
