Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
