i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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