if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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