fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
