My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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