Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
